Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
