how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
