Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
