When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
this hospital has no fireball
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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