i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
