I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
