Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
