Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
