It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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