I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
