Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
