threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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