One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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