i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
