I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
