Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
