Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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