i don't like sucking hair
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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