I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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