Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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