I am spending my child support on dildos
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
