I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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