I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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