I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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