Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
