he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
