I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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