were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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