also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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