You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
