I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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