Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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