you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
