Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
