I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
