I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
