I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
