Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
