Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
