yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
this just has baby written all over it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
