Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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