I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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