You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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