Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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