Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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