i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Randomize
