If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
no more duck duck goose at the bar
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
