i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
