remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
are you so shy because you have an std?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
