it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
