Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
