Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
